One of the biggest revelations I’ve had since leaving Corporate America wasn’t about toxic workplaces. It wasn’t about bullying. It wasn’t even about the gaslighting.
It was realizing that I had completely misunderstood what my boss actually wanted from me. I can see now I clearly didn’t get the memo!
For years, I thought I was doing exactly what an executive was supposed to do. I ran my markets. I ran my hospitals. I developed my leaders. I solved problems before they became crises.
When something significant happened, I handled it and then sent my boss a quick heads-up so she wasn’t blindsided if someone above her called.
“FYI…this happened. Here’s what we did. Everything’s good.”
To me, that was leadership. To her, it was a problem. Not because I had handled the situation poorly. Because I had handled it without her. That distinction took me years to understand.
When I talk about autonomy in leadership, I’m not talking about rogue employees who ignore policy, disregard compliance, or think they’re above organizational standards. That’s not leadership. That’s arrogance.
Every organization has processes, regulations, legal requirements, and chains of communication that exist for good reason. Great leaders respect those.
What I’m talking about is something entirely different. I’m talking about the kind of confidence that comes from experience. The ability to assess a situation. Think critically. Make an informed decision. Solve the problem. Then communicate what happened instead of calling with your hair on fire every time something unexpected occurs.
There’s a tremendous difference between keeping your leader informed and needing your leader to think for you. Secure leaders understand that difference. In fact, they spend years trying to build it.
They hire talented people because they want people capable of making sound decisions. They coach them. They mentor them. They create environments where people gain confidence instead of losing it. Their goal isn’t to have employees who need permission every fifteen minutes or require a hall pass to use the bathroom. Their goal is to create more leaders.
When someone on their team independently navigates a difficult situation, a secure leader doesn’t feel replaced. They feel relieved. They think, “Good. I’ve built a team I can trust.” That’s what healthy leadership looks like.
Unfortunately, not every leader is secure. In fact many are quite the opposite. This group derives their sense of importance from being needed for everything.
It looks like the boss that wants to be invoked in every approval. Every decision. Every tiny obstacle. They want all the details in all the things all the time. This is the boss that you work for and wonder why they hired you because you can’t do anything without running it by them first.
Control becomes the currency that validates their position. Without realizing it, they begin rewarding dependence instead of capability. The employee who calls five times a day asking what to do is praised for being communicative. The employee who quietly solves five problems before lunch becomes “hard to manage.”
Think about how backwards that is. One leader is consuming everyone’s time because they can’t function independently. The other is creating capacity for the organization by solving problems. Yet somehow, the second person becomes the threat. That realization explained so much about my own experience.
I remember watching another executive receive glowing praise while struggling to make even routine decisions without approval. Board meetings required coaching. Problems required hand-holding. Every difficult conversation required someone else to validate the answer before action could be taken.
At the time, I couldn’t understand it. How was this considered exceptional leadership? Meanwhile, I was running multiple facilities in multiple markets, navigating operational challenges, coaching executives, handling crises, and simply keeping my boss informed so she wouldn’t be surprised later.
I genuinely believed I was making her job easier. Years later, I realized something painful. I wasn’t making her life easier. I was making her feel unnecessary. And to an insecure leader, those are not the same thing.
That realization changed the way I understand toxic leadership. The problem wasn’t my competence. The problem was that competence couldn’t be controlled.
Weaponized incompetence in the traditional sense is fascinating because it doesn’t always look like incompetence. Sometimes it wears the mask of loyalty. Sometimes it disguises itself as collaboration. Sometimes it looks like someone who “always checks in.” But underneath is an inability—or an unwillingness—to function without constant direction. Ironically, that dependence often feels much safer to an insecure boss than someone who confidently leads.
I take weaponized incompetence a step further by looking at the dynamic that happens specifically when an insecure boss doesn’t have the knowledge or expertise to be in the role they’re in. In these circumstances a secure leader would identify their top performers and most knowledgeable team members and lean on them as they learn and grow into their role. Insecure bosses in these identical circumstances instead identify these individuals as threats to their position or authority and weaponize against them.
If you’ve ever left a job wondering why your confidence evaporated despite years of proven success, consider this possibility. Maybe you weren’t too independent. Maybe you weren’t “too much.” Maybe you weren’t difficult. Maybe you simply stopped requiring someone else’s permission to do the job you were hired to do. And for the wrong boss, that’s terrifying.
One of the greatest compliments anyone can pay me isn’t that I’m smart or experienced. It’s that they trust me. Trust me to think. Trust me to lead. Trust me to solve problems. Trust me to know when I need help—and when I don’t. Because that’s what leadership actually is.
Not dependence. Not obedience. Not constant validation.
Leadership is creating people who can stand on their own while remaining aligned with the mission, values, and goals of the organization.
If your leadership only works when everyone needs you for every decision, you’re not building leaders. You’re building dependence. And dependence is not leadership. It’s control.
The older I get, the more convinced I become that secure leaders aren’t measured by how indispensable they are. They’re measured by how many capable people no longer need them for every little thing. That’s the legacy worth leaving.
And it’s exactly the kind of leader I’m committed to helping women become through The Unfiltered Leader.
Not louder. Not tougher. Not more controlling. Just secure enough to celebrate someone else’s competence instead of feeling threatened by it.
